Totally American Quotes
by Scorching Streaks of Paint
Summary: Love humor? Then here are some American Dad quotes that will make you laugh! Some "bad" language.


"Oh, oh, sorry, no. No, you've got me confused with someone else. I'm a Caribbean dancer. The name's Calypso Banana Puffysleeves." -Roger

"My middle name is Miracle 'cause I was born attatched to a dead twin who had a second butt where its mouth was supposed to be." -Roger

"I'm tired of talking to you, and it's only been 20 seconds." -Roger

"You're an American. Stop thinking about the consequences and blow something up." -Stan

"If I have one more piece of vomit pie, I'm going to pumpkin." -Roger

"Oh, what fresh Hell is this?" -Roger

"My life flashed before my eyes and all I saw was vodka and penises." -Roger

"I always wanted a pool filled with cherry Jell-O." -Steve

"Without guns, I'd still be in a wheelchair. Guns heal the sick!" -Stan

"I feel really bad about what I did. I haven't slept in 7 hours- not counting naps." -Roger

"I have bad news. This is a break up hike." -Hayley

"And it's not 'silly juice'. It's NECESSARY juice." -Roger

"'Guns kill people!' 'So, go ahead gun. Kill someone... your arguement is invalid.'" -Hayley and Stan

"Oh, I love your religion... for the crazy! Virgin birth, water into wine. It's like Harry Potter, but it causes genocide and bad folk music." -Roger

"Hmm, no time to poop... I'll just do it on the way down the stairs. You're going to vacuum anyway, right?" -Stan

"'Boil water'... what am I, a chemist?" -Stan

"We have a saying in Germany; don't blame the fish! We have other sayings too, but they mostly involve genocide." -Klaus

"Oh my God, we live in a broken home and I'm too drunk, and they're too dumb to channel it into art." -Roger

"Stop thinking about all those poor, starving African children you let down and start thinking about how long you've been single." -Francine

"I got beat up by a taco..." -Roger

"To your right is one of the best views of the falls. Of course, it's not the original Niagra Falls, which burned down in 1816." -Roger

"You gonna cry Stan? Huh? You look like a bitch!" - a random Spider

"FRONT WEDGIE!" -Roger

"DIE CALORIES DIE!" -Stan

"How would you like a punch to the face?" -Stan

"Because people make me mad all the time for being stupid about everything." -Stan

"I'm gonna keep swinging my baby lasso till I catch me a man!" -Roger

"When was the last time you ran? I mean, with your legs, not by pressing 'X'." -Roger

"Stan, stop whispering, the horse won't know who to listen to." -Roger

"There's only one thing I do with non-blended drinks and that's drive." -Roger

"Hey, King George, did you like my baby gift? It's a real fun read called the Declaration of Independence." -Stan

"When I look at your hair, I doubt that I can eat the amount I want to vomit." -Stan

"Nothing bonds a family like a dark, horrible secret." -Francine

"An above ground sprinkler on the front lawn? No sir! What's next, prostitutes rising out of the ground and spitting all over our lawns? Well, not in my neighborhood!" -Stan

"Who do I look like, the donut man?" -Francine

"Winners fart too!" -Francine

"Who's got my macaroni?" -Francine

"What do you mean EVERY month?!" -Hayley

"Roger, we wanted it to be a surprise. We're throwing you a bowling party!" -Francine

"Look at that cheap weave. Bitch got no class." -Stan

"Take a picture; it'll last longer!" -Roger

"'Remember when I made that Machine?' 'That wasn't a machine! That was a hat!' 'A damn good hat at that...'" -Stan and Francine

"Oh my God what is this and how can I replace my blood with it?" -Roger

"Okay, you're free to go. Spread your legs and fly!" -Roger

"Feelings are what women have, they come from their ovaries." -Stan

"You should totally kill yourself." -Roger

"I saw a man get beat down for a sandwich today. THIS sandwich." -Roger

"The only sound I want to hear right now is the sweet sound of this Nickelback CD, cracking while I drive over it repeatedly." -Stan

"I was so upset that I ate a donut." -Francine or Stan...

"Do me one last solid before I die? Clear my internet browser history." -Random guy

"Is that my poop? Does it just... FLOAT there? And why is my mind telling me to eat it?" -Stan

"Turn down that rap music! It's a bad influence... I swear yo, shorty be leanin' on my last nerve." -Stan

"Country music comes from the ass. Right in the middle of the ass." -Roger

"I'm going to hit the sack. Then probably go to bed." -Steve

"Oh God, he's gay. This is it. This is the gay call. I've been ready for this for years." -Stan

"You like shaving your armpits, Hayley? Huh? 'Cause if the terrorists take over this country, then that's the first thing to go!" -Stan

"Rigging elections is my bread and butter, Roger. You know how many votes George Bush actually got in his first election? Seven." -Stan

"You can read! The school system works! ...I'll be back for my stuff..." -Principal

"SHE STARTED IT!" -Stan

"Hey Bo-Peep, I know where you can find your sheep, in Hell!" -Stan

"I know, I know, bad for the ozone." -Roger

"Can't a guy go into a stress-induced hibernation without being thrown in the trash?" -Roger

"Now here's your allowance: five bubbles. Ah, what the Hell- six bubbles. Don't tell your mother." -Klaus

"Oh, that's right, it's past noon, you're already high. Let me talk to the fish." -Roger

"Oh, c'mon sport, there are plenty of kids in heaven to play with. Your cousin Billy. That little girl from Poltergeist... well, she must be at least sixteen by now. You could totally hit that!" -Stan

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you asked how did I ruin your party. And I'm, like, 'you were there, baby. You had a front row seat.'" -Stan

"'You set me up Klaus! Why would you do something so awful?' 'I'm German, it's what we do.'" -Roger and Klaus

"'Why, Klaus? Why?!' 'Ja. Still German.'" -Roger and Klaus

"I touched her hand... her hand touched her boob... By the transitive property, I got some boob! Algebra's awesome!" -Steve

"'Because they'll be food and my boss likes to wipe his mouth on swans... what the Hell is this?!' 'Metrosexual soccer icon David Beckham. I can't do swans, I dunno why.'" -Stan and Roger

"'Hello, India? Yeah, it's Pakistan. You know that nuclear peace treaty you sent over? Well, listen to this. [starts rubbing the phone receiver against his shoulder] Yeah, that's me wiping my butt with it. Oh, it is on. Meet me at the border at three o'clock.'[Roger takes the receiver from him] 'Oh, and FYI, I'm punching a cow right now. [hangs up] That'll drive them crazy.'" -Stan and Roger

"Fine, fine. We'll talk to the principal. [Francine walks off. He takes out a lighter] Soon, my pet. Soon I will feed you the world." -Stan

"'Of-of course I'm here. Wh-where would I be? Alone? Touching myself?' 'Yeah, right. Only perverts and Democrats do that.'" -Stan and Steve

"Does this furniture polish have alcohol in it? [drinks bottle] Hmm, tastes like I might die." -Roger

"Sword-gun, mightier than the pen-gun." -Stan

"'Any letters for me?' 'No, just another post-card saying that your hair looks like crap- hey, it's from me!'" -Francine and Stan

"Forget it Francine! We've already got something girly and annoying in this house. It's called Roger." -Stan

"You stopped reading after the word 'pigs'? That wasn't even the end of the sentence!" -Random

"Yes, let's leave that plan between you, me, and the string of therapists that won't be able to help you." -Roger

"Dad, I don't want to go to camp. It's hot and there's always something crawling in your sleeping bag, like a spider or a counselor." -Steve

"Hey, you should plant some of those, uh... I don't know what you call them here... Hitler melons." -Klaus

"All right, I understand "kidnapped." But what is "Makeva"? Ugh, I bet that little girl they stole could have told me." -Stan

"You hear that, girls? Cautionary tale: Anorexia will dry up your ovaries like tobacco in the sun. Now, instead of starving yourselves, let's think of better ways at getting back at Daddy, like marrying a black dude?" -Counselor

"When you're locked in a cadillac sinking to the bottom of the ocean, you either learn about cars or you die." -Roger

"You really haven't read my MySpace page, have you? You say you have, but you really haven't." -Roger

"YES! I was two sharks and a monkey! Now shut up and go to bed!" -Klaus

"Or an American flag with Christmas trees for stars! Ooh, that would make a good cake. [pulls out personal tape recorder] Note to self: I like cake." -Stan

"Lies. It's like you have to lie to live. You're a lie-abetic. You have lie-abetes. Twice a day, you have to take a shot of insu-lyin'." -Stan

"Well, I think it's pronounced Henga, but if you wanna crap all over the Spanish language, go ahead." -Roger

"[says it seriously] I'm afraid we have some chocolate in our peanut butter." -Principal

"All I have to do is get married by next week and I can get my blender in time for Grey's Anatomy!" -Roger

"I prayed to a freaking elephant! How am I gonna explain THAT to Jesus?!" -Francine

"None of us get to choose our fathers, but we do get to choose our father figures. I chose my mother. That set me back a bit." -Stan

"That dream is a warning. Society's trying to brainwash me to conform, to color inside the lines, to get married, and have babies. Well, I'm not drinking the Kool-Aid anymore." -Hayley

"You know, I love long hair on a man. Grown-up Jesus had long hair, but His breasts weren't as luscious as your - HOLY SHIT, YOU'RE A WOMAN!" -Stan

"'[After Steve and Roger throw him down a water slide] Allow me to impress upon you the severe mistake you have made. For years my conduct has been largely benign. And yet, without provocation, you have severed our détente and forced me to unleash upon you the vengeful flames of a thousand suns. You shall curse your mothers for the day of your birth. So go now, go, and begin your life of fear, knowing that when you least expect it, the looming sword of Damocles  
>will crash down upon you, cleaving you in twain and as you gaze upon the smoking wreckage that was once your life, you will regret the day you crossed the WRONG FISH!' [Stan to Roger] 'He didn't think it was funny.'" -Klaus and Stan<p>

"Just because snow is the same color as our refrigerator, doesn't mean you know how it works." -Stan

"Stan, you're holding a gun to God's head. I can't think of a metaphor that's better than this." -God

"Oh, I saw him go into your study with a sledgehammer and a watermelon." -Steve

"Francine, my mother is not manipulating me. Our relationship is completely normal. And if you keep upsetting me, then I'll have to retreat to my safe place between her breasts." -Stan

"You're stupid! I'm sorry, that was unprofessional. I've been a bit consumed with one of my other patients. He's a complicated teenaged drug addict who's being molested... by me." -Roger

"The autopsy showed the hamster was pregnant..." -Stan

"Let's try that on the fart setting." -Roger

"Are these...balloons full of heroin?" -Francine

"[to Roger, who is beaten and bruised after his encounter with the East German Mafia] Use your board. Use your board. (Roger scribbles down something on a small chalkboard and shows it to Klaus) "How cute is Daniel Day-Lewis?" (Roger's eyes roll up in his head as he passes out) Oh good. The morphine's starting to work." -Klaus and Roger

"It was really fun. You should have been there, Francine. I mean, it was a father-son trip so if you had been there it would have ruined everything." -Stan

"Steve... before the game, how many ears did you have?" -Roger

"Spoiler alert, the sweet potatoes SUCK! How'd you get the sweet out of the potatoes, Frannie?"-Roger

"Ah, an alien. One of my father's side projects." -Jesus

"Oh, son. Every day with you is like a punch in the nads." -Stan

"That's not a good joke because it's not racist." -Roger

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY LEGS YOU NAZI WALRUS BASTARD?!" -Roger

"You know why Chinese couples can't have their own Caucasian babies? Because two Wongs don't make a white." -Francine

"Welcome to my home. As you can see, it is a shithole. But, it's a good arena for bonding activities and a constant reminder of what happens when you try to smack some sense into your lady." -Principal

"'His eyes are red from smoking weed!' 'I really can't believe you're an educator, Brian...' 'Ehh... my job is really more administrative.' -Principal and Steve

"Well, hello there. My name...It's not important. Well, what is is the next half hour. You're gonna see a cautionary tale that may greatly influence your next hot tub purchase." -Cee Lo Green

"I do a lot of reading, you know, 'cause I sit in the fucking bowl all fucking day." -Klaus

"You... big... whore. I don't know why I'm holding you like this. It must be very confusing." -Stan

"'If they need it so much, why is no one here?' 'I'm going to eat you one day.'" -Klaus and Roger

"Aw, but he's got such a sweet smile... I'm gonna shoot him in his face." -Francine

"I have equipped you with a mechanical voice box that will disguise your voice and make you sound like a man. I've also given you a micropenis, like most Chicago men." -Roger

"GO THE HELL TO FRANCE!" -Stan

"Do I have to go? My planet is freezing cold, there is no booze and sex is so boring up there, it's all consensual." -Roger

"The church sent missionaries to America to teach the Indians the correct method of sex. In return, they taught us the correct method of sitting in second grade." -Stan

"Holy cow, you really do have a gym up here!" -Steve

"NO, YOU'RE NOT! [sighs] I'm too old for this. I don't wanna be around all these babies playing Pokémon, badly. This kid right here is just wasting his Charizard. [to the kid] You are WASTING your Charizard!" -Steve

"I've got bigger problems right now than supporting your commie music!" -Stan

"How shall I put this? You're a child, and you're gonna remember this for the rest of your life. So I wanna make sure I say this right. YOUR DAD IS DEAD! HE'S DEAD!" -Ira

"You better be good, boys and girls, or I'll beat you until blood's comin' from your ears and your eyes and your mouth. Merry Christmas! And from your ass!" -Krampus

"A baby. A baby you gave birth to, and you didn't even know you were pregnant. It just popped out on the lawn. You thought you were just takin' a D on the lawn, but surprise! It wasn't a deuce. It was a baby, and it's in that towel. [taps the table] Show me that baby!" -Stan

"Oh, my God! How long was I out? [holds up a beard] This long? [holds up a longer beard] Or this long?" -Roger

"Gummi Bears?! He replaced my bullets with Gummi Bears from the mini bar! That's gonna cost me $7! [walks up to the mini bar, which is riddled with cash] Oh. He left money. Well, I can't be mad about- Wait! That's my money!" -Stan

"[on radio] Hello. I'm Ira Glass. With a $35 pledge, you can get the feeling... of paying for radio. It's an indescribable... sensation." -Ira

"But that can't be! I just saw Roger sleeping in the attic! He was 2 pillows and a soccer ball. Oh, wait a minute." -Klaus

"Pretty sure I asked for pecan sandies." -Roger

"What are you doing, you animals?! Feet on the couch-I just steam cleaned! Salsa on the carpet?! But I vacuumed! [spots a male putting a beer can on the TV, sees a hand putting a cup on table, and another places a beer can on the same table then a droplet splashed] Coasteeerrrrrs! Aaaagggghhhh!" -Roger

"'Water break, boss?' 'Oh, honey, don't call me "boss". That makes me feel like some kind of monster. Call me "Dad".' 'Water break, Dad?' 'No.'" -Foster child and Roger

"Aw, Steve, your first gropefest. You won't truly appreciate the awkwardness of this moment until you're fondly reminiscing as a 35-year-old homosexual." -Roger

"Well, don't tell Debbie about her because she'll eat her." -Stan

"'You just earned yourself a week of detention!' 'There's no detention in college.' 'Oh. Right. Well, then I'm taking away fifty points from Gryffindor!'" -Roger and Hayley

"Don't be stupid, Roger. The attic is above sea level, and popcorn doesn't pop above sea level. I know, I've spent time in Denver." -Stan

"Ah, pillow gun. Where danger and comfort meet. 200 thread count, '[pumps shotgun]' 200 dead count." -Stan

"(to Stan)That's right, I did. Through hard work and giving people incorrect change." -Francine

"[wearing a money suit] Do I look like I'm made of money?" -Stan

"Oh, my God! She ended up on ABC Family! Well, I'm not going to let that happen to me." -Roger

"[sarcastically]: Are you sure you don't want to be a nurse, Hayley? You're so caring!" -Klaus

"[alone with his family in the wild] We're the last ones left on Earth.[They all hug him. He spots a man paragliding in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots him down]" -Stan

"Okay, children, pay attention, because you need to learn English to survive. Repeat after me: 'Thank you for calling Apple Tech Support.'" -Francine

"Wunderbar!... Wait. Only four place settings? No, that's cool. That's cool. I'm-I'm supposed to hang with my chick anyway. She's been buggin' me to spend more time with her and she... [sad voice] doesn't exist." -Klaus

"Or... [Stan opens his mouth] ...just hear me out... we stay home, and for the rest of our lives together, every time you doze off I slam a book on your testicles." -Francine

"Yeah. It starts in Marriage Land and runs through Mommy Town. Final destination - Housewife City, where you watch TV all day long and blame everything on a Mexican woman who only comes on Tuesdays." -Stan

"Help! Racoons took my penis!" -Hayley

"[rising up in a zeppelin] You'll never catch me! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-hah..! [Stan is right next to him] Just climbed right up the ropes, didn't ya? I told the contractor retractable ropes because I foresaw this very situation. I tell you, when I build my next lair, I'm going to do a lot of things differently: more quicksand, more death beams, and a bench in the shower 'cause sometimes I  
>like to sit down." -Tearjerker (Roger)<p>

"Yeah, about the possibility of switching from cable to dish! I didn't know I was gonna get dragged into your psychodrama! I vote dish, by the way." -Roger

"Francine, I can explain: [voice changes to a whiny tone] she's my mommy!" -Stan

"The only thing worse than a child going through puberty is being the parent of a child going through puberty. Remember I had that bumper sticker on the car for a while? [sadly] Nobody honked." -Stan

"Wow, Hayley, your cheek's pregnant. Who's the father? Touching your face all day with your greasy hands?" -Roger

"I'm not ready for Steve to make the change. He's gonna have man breath, and his poops won't smell good anymore." -Francine

"Roger, I think I've found a way off this island! Is there such a thing as a time crab?" -Stan

"Hayley, wait! I can explain! I had a good reason. (Hayley brings out a box of matches) Oh, you grabbed some matches from the hotel- little keepsake. Now, you don't want to tear one of those out. The serious collector keeps his matchbooks intact. (Hayley rips out a match and stikes it) Oh, now it's worthless." -Stan

"Yeah Stan, I'm bald and I made out with your wife." -Roger

"That guy is a douche, yes? You understand "douche"?...Yes?..." -Klaus

"Sorry I took so long. I farted pulling into the driveway and I just wanted to enjoy it for a while." -Stan

"[pulls out his gun] What if I told you I'm about to set the record for shooting a woman in the face the most times in a row?" -Stan

"[Terry faints in an overly-cliched manner. his father, confused, catches him]See? That's not how a straight guy faints. This is how a straight guy faints![collapses forward and lands flat on his face]" -Stan

"Go Biscuit! [the dog hits the wall] Okay, go Cheesers! [mouse runs away] Coward!" -Stan

"When I turned 14, I took fiduciary responsibility for my mothers 401K. We discussed over Italian food. I had my first espresso, it kept me up all night. I fell asleep at dawn for five minutes and had a stress dream about the house burning down. Pretty good birthday." -Stan

"No I'm totally kidding! (to Stan) At least I think I'm kidding, I left him alone with her for half an hour while I took a nap." -Roger

"Stan, remember the first rule of every wedding is that the bride is beautiful. The second rule you can find on my website. You have be eighteen to log on. I have some sexy barnyard stuff on there that is not for everyone - I could get into a lot of trouble. If you do decide to check it out you need clear your history right away; you may have to uninstall your browser. I'm telling you scrub that thing clean. If you think you're being too cautious, you're not: they will take us both to jail." -Roger

"Gentlemen do what ever it takes to empty our coffers.  
>Lap dances, champagne dances, shower dances.<br>Oh, the things you can buy for a hand full of bills.  
>It makes me excited.<br>It gives me the chills.  
>They'll be filcher rubs, breeders, hambones and tweeners<br>Zobos and debos and blorps that go eener.  
>For a one dollar bill<br>You can pull down their zippers.  
>I am the Snorlax<br>I speak for the strippers!" -Bullock

"All right, just give birth the ferret baby and put it in the bucket- it's worth 50 points" -Steve

"'I always knew this day would come. Except I'd be hearing it from my son and not an alien in a sports bra.' '(sobbing) It's a support tank. It's too small. It rode up my belly.'" -Stan and Roger

"I'll have two eggs – one over easy, one over medium – three sausage links, a cup of cottage cheese with a drizzle of honey, a fruit cup – unless it's mostly honeydew melon, in which case skip it and make it half a grapefruit, a glass of whole milk over ice and a side of toast, barely browned –closer to bread than toast, I'm not joking – with as many local jams as you have in stock. Oh, and a Bloody Mary." -Roger

"[cuts Jeff off] Hey! [Camera pans out to show him standing beside a blackboard which has 2 + 2 = 4 on it.] Who solved my theorum? Which one of you is the genius?! [points to the Slow Janitor, who is holding a piece of chalk.] You there!" -Science Teacher

"Bitch, what are you crying about?! I was counting on that money! I can't go back to work now! I took a deuce on my desk! [Rips off his suit] Fuck. Y'all!" -Principal

"In 1st grade, they sent me home with lice. My parents said "Oh, 'cause she has lice. She has it for runch everyday." I can say it, you can't." -Francine

"[simultaneously demomstrating with a rifle] Steve, shooting a gun is like being intimate with a woman. First, you inspect it to make sure it's clean. Then you grab it on the butt and jam the magazine in. If it doesn't fit, make it." -Stan

"Stan: This is Sparta!  
>Roger: This is Sparta!<br>Stan: This is Sparta!  
>Roger: This is Sparta!<br>Jimmy: [off-screen] This is Sparta!  
>Roger: Shut up Jimmy, you don't know what we're doing!" -You know...<p>

"Step one on your path to a happier marriage: you have 45 minutes to clean this room, but you can't talk to each other. Not one word. Trust me on this." -Principal

"[on the phone] Lewis, it's the hot tub. I did some research, man. It used to have a stripper pole in it. They banned it because some tubs, when they get struck by lightning, they come alive! The hot tub is alive, and it escaped from a mental institution, and did some rapes..." -Marguerite

"'We're going to have so many babies.' '[Pushes her head slowly under water] No, no, no, no.'" -Girlfriend and Roger

"Uh, it says "List previous work experience or draw a picture of a cowboy." I can't draw a cowboy. Is a pirate acceptable?" -Stan

"No one's that perfect and farts that deep." -Bullock

"[sighs] I am pissed off because you're doing that and now I want a sloppy joe and I know you don't really have one." -Stan to Steve

"My strength comes from above!" -Principal

"Any dumbass can have dumbass kids..." -Francine

"Any man who ever did anything great was just trying to show up some piece of ass who didn't give him any." -Francine

"[to a recorder] 3:43. Just peed myself. [pauses, then continues] Asparagus." -Roger

"I'm not changing the way I dress on this most American of days. This is traditional American Thanksgiving garb. You know how you guys always wear karate outfits? Well, this is Uncle Sam's version of that." -Stan

"[to Francine] You! Hold it right there! [to Hayley] You! Make your own eggs! [to his reflection in the mirror] You! Stay beautiful." -Stan

* * *

><p>[Found these quotes on Wikiquote, Bing Images {which are a variety of website pictures and GIFs<br>mashed into one}, the TV show itself {which is on some random channel}, and Google Images  
>{which is similar to Bing Images}]<p>

I do not claim to own these quotes, nor the charaters of the TV show itself. I do not own the TV  
>show. In fact, I do not own anything above this text at all, so if you sue me (Mind you, I only have<br>ten dollars) you can only have three American Dollars. Remember that, or it is your own fault for  
>not reading this andor ignoring what it says.

In other words, I do not own American Dad! or any of its products/things. Or anything else mentioned that I may not have included.

I hope I wasted your time.


End file.
